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Valleywag Dies; Takes Internet Celebrity With It
November 13, 2008 | Ted Dziuba
Valleywag was Nick Denton's great experiment in pathological narcissism: if you make fake celebrities out of a microcosm of people, can you generate enough pageviews and ad revenue to make a profit? The short answer is no, you cannot. It seemed like it would have worked, though. People in Silicon Valley are self-important enough to believe that they are real celebrities after being mentioned on a web site.
Now, Valleywag is going to be relegated to a column on Gawker.com, where it's going to be abundantly obvious that nobody cares about a group of well-to-do twenty-somethings going on vacation to Cyprus. This is actually Web 2.0 coming full circle. In the beginning, nobody cared who you were, and in the end, nobody cares who you are.
Fuck me, this is satisfying.
Here Is A List Of People Who Never Mattered, And Still Don't
With the death of Valleywag, here are some people who are no longer internet celebrities:
- Leah Culver: attractive white girl who programs in Python. Became internet-famous by virtue of dating around Silicon Valley. No marketable skills in the real world.
- Dave Morin: works at Facebook, is somehow important as such.
- Brittany Bohnet: dates Dave Morin, somehow in that blast-radius of importance. No apparent marketable skills.
- Me: became internet-famous for making fun of people like the aforementioned. Will continue to do so. Few apparent marketable skills.
- Julia Allison: soft-subject columnist who discovered the hard way that beauty has a shelf life. Came to the Valley to find a rich husband, still spinning wheels.
- Marissa Mayer: Still important because she has spending authority, but no longer a celebrity because San Francisco nouveau-riche will never be New York City society, no matter how hard it tries.
Reserve your spot now - when the money comes back to the Valley, we'll be looking for a new batch of makeshift celebrities. We'll be back in 2-3 years.
Contact
Peanut Gallery
Recent Butthurt
- Owned by Judge
34 min 26 sec ago - Max: Get face out from Arrington's puffy arse
2 hours 11 min ago - Arrington is such a pussy
2 hours 22 min ago - HAY MAX, YOU'VE FOUND TEH
5 hours 11 min ago - Man, who cares? You read
6 hours 36 min ago - Agreed. Let's become super
1 day 20 hours ago - Let the Simpsons sum it up for you
1 week 7 hours ago - Need more substance and fewer factoids..
1 week 22 hours ago - Smashing Magazine called and
1 week 1 day ago - open source > gpl
1 week 4 days ago
Comments
what, no scoble?
what, no scoble?
what about Sarah Lacy?
She is famous only because of SXSW where she proved she doesn't know how to run an interview, and because (http://www.unbalancedsimpletons.com/i-love-sarah-lacys-tits.html) she may or may not have an attractively ample bust.
Can't squeeze water from a rock.
Uhh yo.... I'm no Lacy fan but pleez don't blame Sarah for Zuckerman's inability to string two words together.
We only blame Sarah...
We only blame Sarah for wasting an interview slot, and the time that the audience spent there when they were expecting real questions.
But ...
But Leah Culver made the cover of Inc. ... that counts for something, right????
Owen Thomas Severance Package: 6 months of pudding
Dear Owen Thomas:
Welcome back, sweetie. We missed you so. But don't worry, your bedroom is the same when you left it, and the fridge is stocked with pudding.
Same as it ever was.
Again, welcome home, old friend.
Warm Regards:
Obscurity
Fuck twitter must be going
Fuck twitter must be going off the hook right now.
YCombinator Startup School 2009 Featured Speakers:
* Sam Altman
* ICarley
* Jason Calcanis
* The banjo playing kid from Deliverance
* Robert Scoble
* Calley Nye
* The Entire Cast of High School Musical, Jakarta
* Paul Graham's Au Pair
And fail at notability.
Going to check wikipedia to see if Leahs age was in my generously wide "bangable" region. Gave me lulz to see it was deleted because of no notability. Moderation win?
From Clarion
Hello,
My pleasure meeting you here
I am Clarion by name, nice and fine looking young girl insearch of a friend who really understand the real meaning of love as trust and faith in each other, rather than one who sees love as only a way of fun no, but
rather one with nice vission of what the world is all about, so after seeing your contact i decided to contact you for an indication of extablishing a new relationship with you of which i will like you to
reply me back via clarion2me@yahoo.com so that i will send you my pics and tells you more about myself.
Clarion.
clarion2me@yahoo.com
Owen Thomas resume: Ice Cream Druck driver, Valleywag Editor
Wow! Even I am shocked by the abrupt turn of events. Although I can't say I am completely surprised, given you're owned by a rich kid Brit who has never worked a hard day in his life.
Sidney or the Bush, old Boy. Looks like it's the Bush.
Child Molester Boutin: You seem the most talented of the group. A bit of advice, though. Take off the sunglasses. It doesn't work. Anyway, God Speed.
Owen: You chubby psudo-journalist: It looks as though you'll actually be driving that ice cream truck after all. Ding Ding Ding, Fat Guy in a little Coat! Ding Ding Ding!
Creepy Nick: If you see a group of villagers with torches at your front door, don't answer it. Perhaps now would be a good time to return to your country. Americans have faced hard times before. Oh, right. You wouldn't know anything about that.
Back to mumzy and the allowance. Oh yeah, I know all about the annual stipend, Nick. You shouldn't talk so much to your friends at Reuters. Cause they're telling EVERYONE about your financial situation.
Thanks for making my weekend!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Do these idiots matter?
Thanks for a post and making my weekend. Nice to know what is happening, but do these idiots matter?
+
oh man, Ted must not have had enough time today to finish this list, could go on for ages
Michael Arrington
Loic LeMeur
Sarah Lacy
Robert Scoble
Jason Calacanis
Om Malik (oh hell - ALL the "web 2.0" bloggers including p. cashmore)
Fred Wilson
Henry Blodget
Jimmy Wales
Gina Bianski (whatever her name is)
Brian Solis
"G"
Gabe Rivera
Aubrey Sabala
Anil Dash
Justin TV guy
ad naseum....
lithium
"G"! Haha.. I never thought anyone would bring HIM up. I wonder what happened to his reality show or his "remake" into a socialite celebrity.
I dunno what happened to "G",
I dunno what happened to "G", but every time I made fun of him on Valleywag, one of his minions would make a comment that "G" was ZOMG CHUCK NORRIS MARSHUL ARTS NINJAH and would kick my ass.
this might be racist
But I'm supremely confident I can beat up every Indian man alive
a true valleywag fan
a true valleywag fan
A Silcon Valley blog on a NYC
A Silcon Valley blog on a NYC centered website is kinda like when your cousin came to visit you from out in the country. They looked funny and didn't understand your slang. You and your friends would let him tag along just so you could make fun of him behind his back. Or even worse, to his face.
Good luck, Owen and remember if you haven't figured out who the sucker is in the first half hour at the table, you're the sucker.
Venturebeat next?
People on TechCrunch are saying VentureBeat will be laying off most of its staff before Thanksgiving.
MG Siegler--what are you looking at? We're over here!
Time to update the resumes, VentureBeat. Next up for Matt Marshall--Arrington food cutter.
You're kidding me! No way!
Well actually its pretty darn obvious it would come to this. Om, Techcrunch and Venturebeat are like 3 large fishes in a pond that is drying up by the day... and I've never really understood how Venturebeat managed to stand out of the crowd since they have no real celebrity heading them (unlike Om or Arrington - who does a good job stirring up controversy now and then for more page views).
Perhaps Dean Takahashi was the person that was picked for that job, but then Dean wasn't really known in the valley in general outside of the gamers circle. I wonder if he got a golden parachute to make this brief stint worthwhile.
what does that even mean?
huh?
Ted: Another great story.
Ted:
Another great story. Anyone else notice how Techcrunch has NOT said one word about the demise of Venturebeat.
Perhaps because Morton Downey Arrington knows he's next.
BTW: I have put out a nationwide Amber Alert for Techcrunch beat writer/pool boy Mark Hendrickson.
Word on the street is he's in an undisclosed location, in the likely event Mike Arrington get's his fat ass deposed in the Earthcomber lawsuit.
Chicago is beautiful this time of year, Mike. Bring your appetite.
Kara Swisher: Thank God you married that Dude from Google.
You're next, fella. Please remember to get close up of yourself handing yourself pink slip.
Uhhmm...not too close, though.
To the Swish - don't let the snark hit your ass on the way out
And don't forget to remind us how being married to your husband who runs biz dev at Google has absolutely no effect on your journalistic integrity. And neither do the dinner dates with Sheryl Sandberg when you write about Facebook. Just cite a bunch of worthless examples of how this is not the case and you will instantly get all the credibility you need.
A few more people who were left off the list:
Kevin Rose: He is worth $60 million. In monopoly money.
Jay Addelson: Knowing the weed in NY is just not as good, he commutes from to SF from NY pretending to do important work for Digg so that he can smoke the kind NorCal chronic.
Peter Thiel: "There is no bubble in technology." He is the Uncle Tom of immigrants and gays. Hates on them even though he belongs to both groups. Sucks as a VC, but has marketable skills in financial engineering running a hedge fund (at least until the govt starts properly regulating them and closes the loopholes).
Jason Calcanus: Won the lottery unloading some blogs to AOL, now poses as a successful entrepreneur dishing out obvious advice to wannabe entrepreneurs. Also has a crappy startup that will never amount to anything. As Sarah Lacy would say, "Once you're lucky, twice you're good."
Randi Zuckerberg: Just too FUG to be working in marketing. No amount of nepotism is going to help.
MC Hammer: This guy was the shit back in the day. Made a nice effort trying to resurrect his career with a silly amateur dance video startup and a bunch of really dorky white guys desperate for some street cred. If only he hadn't blown all his cash on dubs back then.
Venturebeat Superfriends: What is MG Sielger STARING AT?
What in the name of God is Venturebeat's MG Siegler STARING AT?
1. Mike Arrington's ass
2. His untapped potential
3. His elfish girlfriend (for whom he shills)
4. All the people in his life who he has disappointed
5. His integrity--it's running away from him out of frame
Valleywag BitchSissies Hated More than Arrington?
It seems as though the Tits & Ass Haters at Valleywag have surpassed the Bloated One as the most hated chimp journalists of the Web 2.0 Generation.
Don't these incredible losers realize they've been fired? They are--as I write this--still writing for Creepy Nick Denton. Owen is getting paid in pudding, Child Molester Boutin getting paid in comic books, Alaska Miller getting paid in reacharounds...it goes on and on and on...
They should seriously consider killing themselves. No really.
Seriously.
I was promised reacharounds.
I was promised reacharounds. I have to keep working until that comes through. Wouldn't want to chuck my time-in to waste.
Alaska: You build 10 bridges, no one calls you a bridge builder
But you write one article for Valleywag, and EVERYONE calls you a cocksucker...
I love my gay Dumb son!
Dear Marvin "Alaska":
Tremendous kitty story in Valleywag, son. You hit that one out of the park!
I know I speak for millions of fathers around the world when I say it's been my dream to have a son who has forgone little league, football, and father/son fishing trips for an unpaid career writing irrelvant hit pieces on socially retarded technology failures.
Keep living the dream, son! Live it for me!
Love:
Dad
Jokes on YOU. I had three
Jokes on YOU. I had three mommies.
That may explain your love of field hockey
Whatever.
You killed the joke. It's over.
You can't even riff properly.
dude you mangled the
dude you mangled the quote.....