In October, TechCrunch was named as co-defendant in a patent infringement lawsuit against Loopt by plaintiff Earthcomber. Patent law isn't really my game so I don't know anything about merits of the case, but haranguing Mike Arrington is my game, so I know plenty about how he's an internet tough guy.

When he got served with papers, Mike huffed and puffed about it, saying that he'll "find a way to counter sue this guy into the stone age." You read it, thought "oh shit, this guy is hardcore" and went about your merry business still thinking that TechCrunch is king of the internet. Not so. No countersuit has been filed. What's better, when Arrington refers to TechCrunch's "attorneys", he really means "Loopt's attorneys", as they're both being represented by the same firm, Perkins Coie, LLP.

Yeah, not so tough now.

Fake Thug, No Love, You Get The Slug

It gets better. It seems that TechCrunch's crack-team of lawyers doesn't really know how to litigate a patent infringement suit. In the linked TechCrunch article, you can read Earthcomber's complaint. It boils down to "you guys infringed my patent and shit". What you won't read at TechCrunch is the defendants' response. Basically, it says "No we didn't infringe your patent. Judge, please dismiss this case". [read it here, PDF] After reading this, the Chief J just went off. Judge Milton Shadur responded, saying "You're doing it wrong. Do you guys even know how patent law works?" and denied the dismissal. [judge's ruling here, PDF]

No countersuit, and you're trying to back out of it. Please just make the bad men go away! Looks like you're going to trial, Mike.

Yo, Overnight Thugs, Bug Cause They Ain't Promised Shit

It's such a bitch when people start asking nosy questions, isn't it? See, what's really cool about this case is that it will likely prompt a hail of subpoenas on Silicon Valley. People will be deposed, and, under oath, asked about TechCrunch's business dealings. We've always known that Arrington is up to some underhanded shit, but never has the extent of it been revealed.

Maybe that's why he's trying to back out of the suit.

Maybe that's why he hasn't hired his own lawyers.

Maybe that's why he puffed up his chest about it, vowing swift vengeance, and then did nothing.

Well, it looks like this lawsuit isn't going away, no matter how much Michael Arrington wants it too. Aww, is someone not feeling well?

[Ed Note]: There Will Be No Web 3.0 is cross-posted from my personal blog, and has a different image here. Hope y'all are having a good time stuffing your faces with cookies and spiked egg nog. I sure as shit am.

The recession reached its hand into Silicon Valley's now lukewarm tub and yanked the plug.  It's still draining out, and I wish it would go faster, because there are just too many fucking people in the San Francisco Bay Area.  I'm talking about you, guy in your Prius taking the left hand turn on to Middlefield Road too slowly.  Leave, now.  And don't come back.  Bonus points for wrapping your expression of environmental consciousness around a tree.  Be one with nature.

The guy who drives the Prius likely works at a Web 2.0 company that's burning its way through the $4 million it raised from Me2 Ventures, one of the many sheep-funds in the Valley who follow the trends of top-tier investors like Sequoia or DFJ but don't have the connections to pull liquidity out of hype.

In two years, this guy's company will finally run out of money, having failed to raise another round because investors are too busy conjuring up the next bubble.   The failure of Web 2.0 was a live demonstration in I-Told-You-So, as was the first bubble.  Both times, the world looked on and thought "what the fuck are you doing?", and Silicon Valley replied "shut up and bring me my Vaseline".  We went from bad business plans to no business plans, and saw much less liquidity this time.  The big bang was YouTube, and it was all down hill from there.

The Only Easier Money is Marijuana

So what will the next bubble be?  Green technology.  Green energy.  Green computers.  Green pants.  Green vomit after an Absinthe adventure.

Al Gore did a wonderful job creating awareness of global warming.  Awareness isn't the right word, but neither is hysteria.  Both are close enough.

San Franciscans were more motivated than usual by this cause, and have begun to care about their carbon footprints or other such nonsense.  Making a San Franciscan feel like he alone can make a difference is the best way to control his actions.  See also: spending habits.  Al Gore, with his nonthreatening voice and relentless assault of data has the power to cultivate the same feeling in stay-at-home-moms and college students.

Unfortunately, the average American mind can only be concerned with one crisis at a time.  Purveyors of fine doom-and-gloom are continuously vying for this spot.  Presently, it's the economy.  Foreclosures.  You're going to lose your house.  Oh fuck, you'll lose your house, your family, your car, and did we mention that you'll be living on the street?  Fear not.  Here's some shit you can buy to make it all better.  Here's a politician you can vote for who will fix everything.

Fear cycles last a few years.  Remember when we were afraid of terrorism?  What about peak oil?  Global cooling anyone?  When money comes back to the Valley, it's going to be aligned perfectly with the beginning of the next fear cycle, and the next fear cycle is going to be global warming.  Or climate change.  Or polar bear rescue.  You can call it whatever you like, as long as you spend money to fix it.  Do your part.  It's your obligation as a citizen of the earth.

Still Waiting For That Twitter Business Plan

Green tech hasn't taken off yet because liberal guilt can't support a very big market.  What you need is government collusion.  You need somebody with a gun to step in and say that if you emit more than 100 tons of carbon per year, you need to pay.  You need that same person with a gun to say that these carbon emission credits have value, and can be traded.  It helps if your typical Silicon Valley entrepreneur or investor believes the call to action.

That last part is easy.  Web 2.0 was all about San Francisco values.  Sharing.  Caring.  Understanding.  What would Web 3.0 be about? Many say it's some semantic bullshit.  Those are the same people who have figured out what Twine does (any hints?).  Whatever we can dream up to do over the internet won't draw any money; investors will be bored with web companies after this debacle.  The money will go to green tech, because there will be an obvious business plan, popular support, and a government mandate.  How can you lose? 

The entrepreneurs will follow suit.  Silicon Valley types love to feel like they're making a difference, and green tech will practically let them fellate themselves. (In Web 2.0 the Silicon Valley types fellated one another, so this is the natural extension)  It will be different people, as an extensive knowledge of Python doesn't give you much insight into solar panel construction, but the same kind of people.

I believe this because it's satisfying.  No more "get users, do something, get bought out".  This time, it's "invent something, build it, sell it".  Sure, we'll be turning a profit by taking sick advantage of alarmism, but it's a business. 

Don't get me wrong. The primary goal of the revived IE team has been to achieve standards compliance, and I respect that. The problem is, it's almost 2009. The damage is already done. It's worth taking a minute, however, to stop and reflect on the effect IE has had on the interwebs.

Conventionally, the sole purpose of a browser is to show you content. A browser should never play any part (directly or indirectly) in changing content. This rule is as fundamental as it is simple. Unfortunately, like the UN, the browser police will only go as far as writing down the rules in large bold font, in hopes that someone else will actually enforce them.

Rewind to 1996. Imagine you're in a classroom. The lesson is basic mathematics, and the teacher is writing up simple formulas. All the kids can see the board clearly, except for this one kid in the front, named Imon Ecstasy (for no reason in particular, I will refer to him by his initials, IE). IE has glasses with the magnifying power of the Hubble, and swaps hygiene tips with dead cats. He also happens to be the principal's only son. Furthermore, his father has enrolled him in every single class in the entire school.

IE raises his hand, and points out to the teacher that he cannot see shit. The teacher is left no choice but to make amends for him, and starts writing on the board in a way that IE can see clearly. So, instead of seeing 2's and 4's on the board, all the other kids now see drawings of giant turds. But hey, IE can see the numbers just fine, and that's all that really matters.

Fast forward to 2009. IE has had laser eye surgery, and his vision now matches that of his peers. Unfortunately, every single teacher in the school has forgotten how to write real numbers on the board (let alone complex ones), and all of the school's textbooks have been replaced with collections of turd diagrams.

Now armed with normal vision, IE can't see shit on the board (more accurately, the only thing he can see is giant drawings of shit). He then starts crying to all the teachers, demanding that they change the way they write on the board. Again.

At this point, the other kids have had just about enough, and some of them start shooting spitballs at IE. Recalling how he dealt with the situation before, IE proceeds to give them his lunch money.

All in all, the notion of a fully standards compliant IE is appealing, despite the initial cost of making half the world's websites look like ass. It should be noted, however, that the same promises were made with IE7, which ended up with a net increase of jack shit percent in overall standards compliance.

To make things worse, every time IE's popularity rating drops, the obese bully of the class grins to himself as he convinces one more douchebag to join his pokemon treehouse club.

Clearly, we need to increase spending on education.

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daretorant.com